Fitzmuskah

Me read today about some humans in White House getting in trouble for outing a CIA agent; Bigfoot surprised by this, as me did not know she was gay (she married to the man who went to Africa looking for urinal cake geraniums).

Me ask Yeti about it, he say that "First of all, she was outed as being an undercover agent, not for bumping doughnuts. And second of all, urinal cake geraniums? Urinal cake geraniums? Are you just fucking with me? Even for you, that's some pretty surreal shit. Seriously."

Traveled I've had my share, man

Me finally get back from long trip. Bigfoot and Yeti went to many places and saw many things! Me post some thoughts on some of the places we hiked to...

PHOENIX
Me like Phoenix, there were lots of pretty rocks and dirt and plants. And almost all of the humans were old and slow, so Bigfoot and Yeti no have to work hard to stay hidden. Me wish it wasn't so hot, but at least it was a dry heat.

Yeti Says:
"Boy howdy, rocks and cacti, cacti and rocks, we get the picture. And that peyote I scored at the rez was for shit. Thumbs way down."

OAKLAND
Me no like Oakland, Bigfoot think the whole area was sad and depressing. And humans there were no scared of us, they laughed pointed their boom-sticks at Yeti when he tried to eat one of them. Me not going back unless I have to testify in person.

Yeti Says:
"I'll save my opinion for when I am done pulling these 9mm shells out of my ass. Now can you stop typing for 5 goddamn minutes and hold these tweezers for me?"

SAN DIEGO
Me like San Diego very much, lots of water and trees and pretty humans to spy on. But Bigfoot no like the zoo! Me and Yeti sneak in and look at the other animals, who looked tired and fat and dead in the eyes. This makes Bigfoot sad.

Yeti Says:
"Yeah, whatever, San Diego was nice. Are we almost done here?"

DALLAS
Me think Dallas was the strangest place Bigfoot has ever seen. All the humans were made of cotton candy and wore marshmallow hats, and rode around on small dinosuars. They all sang songs while riding, and the songs were all about how much they loved Bigfoot! Me plan on going back as soon as I can.

Yeti Says:
"Um, we haven't been to Texas yet, you hairy freak. Maybe that peyote was better then I thought..."

Worst...Post...Ever.

Me have been busy lately, hiking around the country no have time to come up with quality material for posting. Me promise to write more soon.

- Bigfoot

PS - This post just stole 2 minutes of your life that you will never get back (3 if on dial-up). Bigfoot sorry.

Dirty Pretty Things

Me have been looking at my laptop to see what bad things Yeti might have done when he was using it, like downloading human pornography or cracked versions of SQL Server. Me no find anything yet except for some saved IM conversations. Bigfoot no understand what this one means, but post anyway for humans to read...

DirtyWhiteBoy:
I read your post and saw that you were into the whole IM sex thing.

69SoFine:
That's right handsome. Have you ever done this before?

DirtyWhiteBoy:
Not on a laptop. I have a hard time typing with my left hand, so...

69SoFine:
That's OK big boy. Why don't you lean back, unzip your pants and let me do the typing?

DirtyWhiteBoy:
Believe me, doll, Pants aren't an issue. Let's make some magic...

69SoFine:
Imagine that I'm in your room, wearing a black nightie and high-heeled shoes.

DirtyWhiteBoy:
...and I'm done. Any chance we can do this again next week?

There are many more Yeti conversations where that came from, maybe me will post some in the future, at least the ones that aren't too bad for me to show to any humans. DB read a few of them and say it was "some of the most clumsy and sexually depraved text I have ever read, and I've read all the Ann Rice books, except for the one where Lestat gets a job at a inner-city high school and inspires the kids to pass their SAT's." Bigfoot no remember that one, me stopped at "Queen of the Damned;" Bigfoot can only take so much of the whole homoerotic vampire thing.

DB no like Car Toys

DB take his Jetta to Car Toys to get new stereo put in, but he come back very angry. Me ask why, he say the people there "treated my car about as well as the Romans treated the Sabine women, the major difference being that at least the Sabines were taken out to dinner before they got screwed."