Norman Rockwell is for chumps
Me decide to host a big human-style Thanksgiving dinner this year, and invited Sasquatch, DB, Yeti, and Goatsucker to Bigfoot's cave (me know better than to get all of them in room at same time, but Bigfoot get lonely during the holiday season). DB suggested that we make the dinner "pot-luck," which means that everyone who comes brings food to eat. Me thought that sounded like a good idea, especially since me don't really have anything to cook with besides a firepit, some wooden sticks and a Foreman Grill.
Goatsucker was the first one to arrive, but he no bring food; when me ask why, he just look at me like me was crazy and start drinking wine. Yeti come a few minutes later, throws some Nilla Wafers on the table, mumbles something about his stove not working and start smoking Moldy Gold out of Bigfoot's corn-cob bong while playing Xbox (he can do both at same time, Bigfoot is impressed by this). Sasquatch came next, and she bring something she call "Tri-Cities Casserole," which included ground turkey, tater tots and Cream of Mushroom soup (Sasquatch say "from what I can tell, all human casseroles have Cream of Mushroom soup in them. It's like the white-trash equivalent of a truffle sauce"). Finally, DB show up with stuffing, yams, and a huge turkey which he say he shot himself the day before ("Yeah, right" Yeti say, blowing out a stream of smoke, "QFC has a turkey range now?")
Everything was going very well while we cooked the food, no one was fighting or hurting each other, and DB even played Xbox with Yeti. But when we finally sit down to eat, DB suggests that we say a prayer in support of the human troops who are overseas; this offends Goatsucker (who is drunk), so he says to DB that the best prayer to support the troops is a prayer for Bush to die soon. This make DB very mad, and him and Goatsucker start fighting about the war and politics and everything else. While this is happening, Yeti (who is stoned) puts empty beer bottles on the end of his fingers, clicks them together and begins chanting "DB the Bushie, sitting in a tree. Hump-ping the Re-pub-li-can par-ty" over and over and over again. All this fighting make Sasquatch mad, so she keep turning the music louder and louder to try and get them to stop. But that makes them yell even louder, and all the music and the yelling and the casserole start hurting Bigfoot's head and made me want to smash things ("I don't blame you," Yeti would later say, "throw in an semi-androgynous Chinese boy lighting firecrackers, and you've pretty much got the scene from 'Boogie Nights' where they go to Alfred Molina's house, but with worse music").
Eventually, DB flip over his plate, yells "Fuck this, I'm out of here" and leaves the cave, smacking Goatsucker on the back of the head on his way out. Me feel bad and start to go after him, but Yeti say to "let him go, more Nilla Wafers for the rest of us. And Sasquatch, can we finally turn down the fucking jazz? I thought it was supposed to be just a few of his favorite things, not his whole goddamn grocery list. I mean, don't get me wrong, I like Coltrane and all, but Jesus Christ, sometimes these guys go to places that bore the shit out of me. What, do they think that...hey, where did she go? " Sasquatch no longer hear him, as she had already gotten mad and left. Sasquatch can only take so much of Yeti's whole anti-jazz shtick.
Later, we watch terrible human movie named "Stealth;" Yeti say we should consider it an atonement for having so much while others have so little, and besides, it was the next movie in his queue. Goatsucker call Yeti a Netflix whore, and then Yeti call Goatsucker a film snob, and then Goatsucker attacks Yeti, who throws Goatsucker to the ground and starts laughing. Goatsucker gets up, grabs the last bottle of wine and stumbles out of the cave, saying he had better things to do than to hang around with a "couple of hirsute assholes."
"Well," says Yeti, looking at me, "you've managed to ruin another Thanksgiving. Now could you please shut the fuck up and get me the bong? And there better be some Nilla Wafers left."
Goatsucker was the first one to arrive, but he no bring food; when me ask why, he just look at me like me was crazy and start drinking wine. Yeti come a few minutes later, throws some Nilla Wafers on the table, mumbles something about his stove not working and start smoking Moldy Gold out of Bigfoot's corn-cob bong while playing Xbox (he can do both at same time, Bigfoot is impressed by this). Sasquatch came next, and she bring something she call "Tri-Cities Casserole," which included ground turkey, tater tots and Cream of Mushroom soup (Sasquatch say "from what I can tell, all human casseroles have Cream of Mushroom soup in them. It's like the white-trash equivalent of a truffle sauce"). Finally, DB show up with stuffing, yams, and a huge turkey which he say he shot himself the day before ("Yeah, right" Yeti say, blowing out a stream of smoke, "QFC has a turkey range now?")
Everything was going very well while we cooked the food, no one was fighting or hurting each other, and DB even played Xbox with Yeti. But when we finally sit down to eat, DB suggests that we say a prayer in support of the human troops who are overseas; this offends Goatsucker (who is drunk), so he says to DB that the best prayer to support the troops is a prayer for Bush to die soon. This make DB very mad, and him and Goatsucker start fighting about the war and politics and everything else. While this is happening, Yeti (who is stoned) puts empty beer bottles on the end of his fingers, clicks them together and begins chanting "DB the Bushie, sitting in a tree. Hump-ping the Re-pub-li-can par-ty" over and over and over again. All this fighting make Sasquatch mad, so she keep turning the music louder and louder to try and get them to stop. But that makes them yell even louder, and all the music and the yelling and the casserole start hurting Bigfoot's head and made me want to smash things ("I don't blame you," Yeti would later say, "throw in an semi-androgynous Chinese boy lighting firecrackers, and you've pretty much got the scene from 'Boogie Nights' where they go to Alfred Molina's house, but with worse music").
Eventually, DB flip over his plate, yells "Fuck this, I'm out of here" and leaves the cave, smacking Goatsucker on the back of the head on his way out. Me feel bad and start to go after him, but Yeti say to "let him go, more Nilla Wafers for the rest of us. And Sasquatch, can we finally turn down the fucking jazz? I thought it was supposed to be just a few of his favorite things, not his whole goddamn grocery list. I mean, don't get me wrong, I like Coltrane and all, but Jesus Christ, sometimes these guys go to places that bore the shit out of me. What, do they think that...hey, where did she go? " Sasquatch no longer hear him, as she had already gotten mad and left. Sasquatch can only take so much of Yeti's whole anti-jazz shtick.
Later, we watch terrible human movie named "Stealth;" Yeti say we should consider it an atonement for having so much while others have so little, and besides, it was the next movie in his queue. Goatsucker call Yeti a Netflix whore, and then Yeti call Goatsucker a film snob, and then Goatsucker attacks Yeti, who throws Goatsucker to the ground and starts laughing. Goatsucker gets up, grabs the last bottle of wine and stumbles out of the cave, saying he had better things to do than to hang around with a "couple of hirsute assholes."
"Well," says Yeti, looking at me, "you've managed to ruin another Thanksgiving. Now could you please shut the fuck up and get me the bong? And there better be some Nilla Wafers left."
posted by Bigfoot at 1:40 PM
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