Southern Comfort

Bigfoot and Yeti go to New Orleans once, we drink something called Hurricanes. Now they are hiding from a real hurricane. Me think they should change name of drink to "free sex and money."

Kidding! Bigfoot make joke! No such thing as free sex.

Bigfoot have Designer Intelligence

Me read about humans fighting with other humans about how Bigfoot was created. Some humans think that many big things came naturally from a few small things, and other humans think that something named the Flying Spaghetti Monster created humans. People that believe in Flying Spaghetti Monster think that because world so complex, me couldn't have been random, me have to have been invented by smart creature, smarter that even Goatsucker or Yeti. Some of them also say that there is no Missing Link to prove that humans came from a few small things, so they wonder why they are teaching human children that humans come from monkeys. They want to tell human children that maybe humans come from monkey, but also maybe humans were created by the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Me talk to Yeti and Goatsucker about this. Yeti say something about calling the Discovery channel, but Goatsucker say "Now is not the right time to show ourselves to humans, their feeble minds could not comprehend a world in which their mental creations come tearing into their reality. We would be arrested, dissected, and ultimately destroyed by the Machine. Under no circumstances are we ever to expose oursevles to humans. EVER. Now pass me that goddamn bottle of wine"

Later, after Goatsucker get drunk and rant for several hours before passing out, Bigfoot ask Yeti why Goatsucker hate humans so much, he say "first of all, your overall grasp of the whole Evolution vs. Intelligent Design thing is really fucked up, to the point where I think it actually freaked him out a bit, and second of all...well, second of all would take too long for me to to explain, so why don't you just shut the fuck up and get me the bong. And would it kill you to bring me back a soda for once in your life?"

Later, after Yeti get skulled, we play Xbox for 9 straight hours, and forget what we were talking about earlier. Me think it's better that way.

Bigfoot like funny headlines

Me go to Drudge Report today, see this headline about California blackout:

Rodeo Drive hit; Beverly Hills Jamba Juice forced to give away smoothie inventory, according to witness... Developing...

Me think that is the dumbest headline I have seen on Drudge, which automatically qualifies it as maybe the dumbest thing Bigfoot has ever seen on the internet.

Me also see this headline on CNN.com:

LOS ANGELES, California (Billboard) -- Teen pop star Hilary Duff topped the U.S. album charts Wednesday with a greatest hits collection culling tunes from her hefty catalog of two studio albums.

Bigfoot appreciate not-so-subtle subtle sarcasm from CNN. Kudos.

Yeti think Karl Rove mad at Hugo Chavez

Bigfoot read about Pat Robertson making crazy talk about Hugo Chavez, now all the internet sites are running stories about it. Yeti and Goatsucker say it all part of big plan. Yeti say Karl Rove did good job of using the "Crazy-Eyed Christian" to introduce Chavez as talking point, before this not many humans in US know about Chavez or how much oil he controls, and now everyone knows and think he is a bad human. Goatsucker talk about how humans in White House "distance" themselves from comments, but not much else, and soon there will be talk about "libertating the people of Venezuela in the name of the Global Struggle Against Violent Extremism."

DB say they are paranoid and need to "take off their tinfoil hats and grow up," but me no understand what he means, since Bigfoot's hat is made from aluminum foil. Tinfoil too expensive for hats.

Bigfoot no like "Charlie and the Chocolate factory"

Me watch "Charlie and the Chocolate factory" at the drive-in. Bigfoot wonders why they bothered.

Goatsucker make Bigfoot's head hurt

Goatsucker come to town yesterday, need place to crash for a while, stay in Bigfoot's MIL apartment. Me wish he come over more but he live in Los Angeles, which seems strange to Bigfoot, even by human standards. He say he have screenplay idea about "the collective subconscious of the human race manifesting mythical creatures into a physical form to satisfy a primal need," and needing my input as I was a "textbook example of the phenomena." Me no understand the words. Goatsucker almost as hard to follow as the dialogue from Season 2 of "Deadwood".

Yeti come over later to see Goatsucker (they good friends), they drink Everclear and make animated talk for many hours that make Bigfoot's head hurt. Bigfoot no like when they get together, make Bigfoot feel bad for being dumb and not possessing even the most rudimentary command of the Queen's English. Last night, when me try and talk, Yeti say "Thanks Donny, now shut the fuck up and let the adults finish their conversation," and then flick cigarette butt at me, which make Bigfoot mad (even though me appreciate the Big Lebowski reference). Later, after Yeti pass out, Goatsucker suggested that we shave off his pubic hair and make 2 big white yamulkas. Goatsucker is what Grammy Bigfoot would call a "real jew."

System of a Bigfoot

Me use iTunes to download "Mesmerize" onto iPod. Bigfoot and Yeti like System of a Down, but DB not like it. DB old and not hip to the scene like Yeti and Bigfoot, he still listening to Yes all the time. Me no like Yes, except the pretty album covers, which remind Bigfoot of what things look like when I eat the special yellow moss that Yeti bring over (he calls it "Moldy Gold" and gets very paranoid if me ask where he gets it from).

Yeti used to sell the yellow moss to young humans at Phish concerts, but had to stop when the band stopped playing due to what Yeti say was "Trey coming down with a major case of I'm-an-asshole-and-want-to-go solo-itis. I'm surprised he hasn't asked Rick Rubin to produce his next goddamn album. And what's with that guy? Is there a single fucking rock band alive that he hasn't produced at some point? Almost makes you miss Jeff Lynne..." Yeti keep talking, but Bigfoot tune him out at that point.

Me write song for sending to System of a Down, maybe they like it and put it on next album; if anyone in the greater Los Angeles Armenian community knows them, please send them link to my song, me willing to give up publishing rights:

My foot is much bigger than yours,
My foot can walk right through the door
With a Bigfoot so pure
It's got you Bigfoot-ing for more.

Cool, in denial, we're the cruel Bigfootators smoking
Cigaro Cigaro Bigfoot
Cool, in denial, we're the cruel Bigfootators smoking
Cigaro Cigaro Bigfoot

My foot stinks much better than yours,
My foot stinks right down through the floor.
With a Bigfoot so pure
It's got you Bigfoot-ing for more.

Cool, in denial, we're the cruel Bigfootators smoking
Cigaro Cigaro Bigfoot
Cool, in denial, we're the cruel Bigfootators smoking
Cigaro Cigaro Bigfoot

Can't you see that I love my foot?
Can't you see Yeti love my foot?
Can't you see DB love my foot?

We're the Bigfootators that Bigfootulate
We're the Sasquatchaters that De-Sasquatchate
We're the Yetigators of all Yeticide
Burning through DB's G-13, DB run and hide

Cool, in denial, we're the cruel Bigfootators smoking
Cigaro Cigaro Bigfoot
Cool, in denial, we're the cruel Bigfootators smoking
Cigaro Cigaro Bigfoot

We're the Bigfootators that Bigfootulate
We're the Sasquatchaters that De-Sasquatchate

Cool, in denial, we're the cruel Bigfootators smoking
Cigaro Cigaro Bigfoot
Cool, in denial, we're the cruel Bigfootators smoking
Cigaro Cigaro Bigfoot

My foot is much bigger than yours,
My foot can walk right through the door
With a Bigfoot so pure
It's got you Bigfoot-ing for more!

Bigfoot need ride to Enumclaw

Me read story today about farm where human die while making the sex with a horse. Happen in town named Enumclaw, man who owned farm meet other humans on internet and let them make the sex with his animals. DB tell me that there is no law in Washington that say human can't make the sex with an animal, but he call it "Morally, spiritually, and physically repugnant, but strangely compelling."

Bigfoot has not made the sex in long time, maybe me go to Enumclaw and see if human want to make the sex with Bigfoot. Kidding! Bigfoot make joke! Human orifices could not handle Bigfoot's manhood. Me hung like mammoth.

Yeti lose on the river

Me have weekly poker game with friends, Yeti and old human named DB. Bigfoot no understand the rules that well, even though me watch the poker shows on TV. All 78 of them. Me especially like one hosted by the human from Kids in the Hall. Bigfoot wonder what happened to his career.

Human friend DB is funny, he live in cave just like Bigfoot! DB give me stuff for my cave, like icebox and heaters and track lighting. DB is Bigfoot's only human friend, but Yeti no like DB, since DB always win at poker. Last night, Yeti went all in but lost on the river. Yeti then get mad and turn over poker table. DB say it's OK for Yeti to lose to a famous person, Yeti say "Anyone portrayed on screen by Treat fucking Williams barely qualifies as famous". DB then get mad and and try leave, but Yeti say he's sorry so DB stays.

After DB leave later on, Yeti say "Y'know, I'd kill that asshole with my bare hands if he wasn't our only connect."

Bigfoot feel bad for Gaza humans

Me read about humans in Gaza forced to leave homes, me understand how they feel. Last year, Bigfoot had to leave cave when humans buy land to build big houses. Me thought about staying (Bigfoot like gated communities), but me could not secure loan from bank due to lack of credit history. Me get mad, say I need credit to build history, but cannot get credit because I have no history. Then me realize I was still in cave, talking to reflection in puddle. That happens when me get hungry. Yeti says me have low blood sugar.

Yeti no like "Alexander"

Me and Yeti watched "Alexander" on Yeti's DVD player. When over, Yeti take DVD player, step on it and break it up into small parts. Me ask why, Yeti say "just to make sure I will never have to watch that piece of shit movie again." Yeti funny that way.

Bigfoot sad

Me go to Fark, read many things about angry people who don't get along. Bigfoot don't understand! Me and Yeti very different (Yeti is Baptist and me is Pentecostal Snake Handler), but find common ground for talking, about roots and grubs and how the Da Vinci Code not written well, but subject matter compelling enough to compensate.

Me also go to Drudge Report to see news, but he always talking about Hollywood people. Yeti call him a "miserable, right-wing star fucker." Bigfoot no understand what that means.

Me confused about Dell

Me finally call Dell, speak to Indian in Hydrabad named "Steve". Steve nice, but Bigfoot have hard time understanding words. Me no think his real name was Steve. Bigfoot understand that outsourcing saves money, make shareholders happy, but me wish I could understand Steve. Bigfoot also misses Kozmo.com, me liked their Caprice sandwiches and fast service. Bigfoot found Kozmo messenger bag once. On dead hiker.

Me go set up Netflix account now. Bigfoot like movies! Me rent "Alexander" to see if it was as bad as critics say. Oliver Stone should make Bigfoot movie, w/ Tom Cruise as Bigfoot. Kidding! Me make joke! Scientology creeps out Bigfoot.

Me find laptop

Me find laptop in woods today when picking berries. Off of dead hiker. Me turn on, find unsecured Wi-Fi network named "My_connection" (me surprised at lack of creativity in name). Bigfoot finally wired! Me will think of stuff to type for reading later. Bigfoot would type now, but me need to call Dell rep first, make sure Bigfoot get warranty extended.

Bigfoot also need to look craig's list to find ergonomic keyboard. Typing hard!