Bennett Backs Blasting Black Babies Before Birth

Me read today about human named Bill Bennett who said that crime in this country would go down if you killed all the black babies before they were born (Bigfoot had to read the comment 9 times to make sure I wasn't imagining it).

Me talk to Goatsucker about it, he say that "As much as I support the euthanasia of pre-natal human filth of any race, I would never actually say it out loud. It's very disturbing when the ex-secretary of education (and drug czar) freely admits that he thinks aborting African-American babies would be one way to reduce crime in the U.S. I mean, stuff like that does not fly in this country, except maybe in Texas, which I hear is trying to pass a law preventing blacks from procreating at all unless the union is personally sanctioned by Tom Delay and/or the entire coaching staff of the Dallas Cowboys."

DB don't agree, he says the statements were taken out of context, that he was just making point, and the liberal press was making a big deal out of nothing. Yeti say it doesn't make a difference what the point was, that only a "clueless fucking idiot would string those words together in a sentence in private, let alone broadcast them all over the radio, you stupid redneck asshole. Now get the fuck out of my cave." When DB point out that we were actually in his cave, Yeti pick him up, throw him out and yell "Whose cave is it now, bitch? Huh? WHOSE CAVE IS IT NOW?"

Me find out later that Yeti was, as Goatsucker say, "doing time in tweak-city thanks to some bathtub meth." Bigfoot no understand what that means, but thought it sounded pretty.

Afternoon Delight

Me see Quizno's commercial on TV in which a human baby who talks like an old man makes a "hubba hubba" noise at a sandwich, which means that the sandwich is so good, the human baby want to make the sex with the sandwich. Bigfoot need ride to Quizno's. Fast.

Drudge no like Peace Mom

Me see this headline on Drudge Report:

CINDY SHEEHAN ARRESTED AT WHITE HOUSE IN CUNNING STUNT

Bigfoot no think much about it until Yeti tell me that what he was really doing was calling her a "Stunning Cunt." Me think that he so angry with Peace Mom, Drudge must be in love with her, but Yeti say "no, Matt Drudge is a weird cat. He's an admitted homosexual, but uber-conservative, and happens to be a total bitch as well. Striesand is the one he's really obsessed with. But what self-respecting gay man isn't?"

Me think Yeti needs sensitivity training. So much hate!

The Big Fishbowlski

Sasquatch hurt knee last week, so she stay in Bigfoot's cave until she get better. I guess me like the company, but me think she starting to cramp Bigfoot's style. She lay on couch all day and eat Bon Bons and watch Dr. Phil and the Oprah, who is always giving stuff to the people who come see her, which make them shriek like young humans and hurt Bigfoot's head. Sasquatch like the Oprah, she tell me that the Oprah has her own magazine for humans and puts herself on the cover each time, which seems a bit vain to Bigfoot. Me think Sasquatch is much prettier than the Oprah, but Yeti disagree, he rubs his fingers together and say he can think of "about 4 billion reasons why Oprah is more attractive, if you know what I mean".

Bigfoot also tired of Sasquatch telling Bigfoot what to do all the time. Always "Bigfoot, get me a soda" or "carry me to the bathroom, Bigfoot" or "grab a dental dam and give me the oral pleasure, you magnificent bastard!" Bigfoot has hard time performing under that kind of pressure.

The Horror of Trespass

Me see that Yeti post to blog. This make Bigfoot angry! But me will keep it on the site for sake of posterity.

Serves Bigfoot right for using "Bigfoot" as password for laptop, me update it to something more secure. Like "Bigfoot."

Jesus H. Tapdancing Christ, what the fuck is this shit?

OK, so, I finally got a look at what this dumb motherfucker has been doing on his new laptop, and I am stunned. I can't believe the shit he has been writing about me. Granted, most of it is true, but diz-zamn, you can't be spilling it all over the goddamn Internet. Christ, what a mess...and what's up with 1st person/3rd person crap? Stephen King might have gotten away with it in "Christine," but let's face it, we are light years way from Kingtown, my friends. I would buy him a copy of "The Elements of Style" if I wasn't convinced he would just stuff it up his ass and call it a sundae.

That being said, I feel compelled to clear a few things up:

1) I am not a Baptist, by any stretch of the imagination. I just happened to mention to Bigfoot that I had been baptized, and he kind of took the ball and ran with it. Stupid prick.

2) I do not have a dependency on marijuana. Believe me, there's a HUGE difference between a dependency and an addiction.

3) I had no problem getting it up for that bitch Sasquatch. The sad truth is that I had just rubbed one out before she showed up, and needed a bit of time to recharge the ol' batteries, if you catch my drift. She could have at least called to let me know she was coming over. God I hate her. Yet I want her so fucking badly! Why does that shit always go together?

3) Goatsucker is a misunderstood fucking genius, but you motherfuckers are too dumb to appreciate it. He deserves every drop of blood he sucks out of you bastards.

4) I do not "hate" DB, I just hate that knee-jerk anti-democrat Rush Limbaugh crap. But the guy is loaded. And as a human, he's the only one of us that can get into Walmart while it's actually open. I'm not biting that hand, let me tell you.

Ah fuck, I gotta wrap this up, I think I hear that those freakishly huge feet of his trampling through the woods (if the Bigster catches me posting to his blog, I think he might actually kill me; He really can be a scary motherfucker when he's pissed).

Peace,
Yeti

Femature Ejaculation

Me read about how FEMA head was removed from his post because of problems in New Orleans. Bigfoot no understand, mistake like that can't be blamed on only one human! Me think that many humans should be fired, or at least made to live in the convention center for a while themselves. Goatsucker say "You're right, Bigfoot, he shouldn't be blamed; maybe Georgie will feel bad and give him a medal before nominating him for the Supreme Court, you stupid hairy fuck" (pictures of people dying make Goatsucker very mad, he wish he could have eaten them while they were still alive).

DB don't agree, he say "it's sad that a good man has to take the fall for the whacko environmentalists who prevented the levees from being rebuilt. Maybe if they had spent a little less time smoking weed and a little more time in the real world, lives could have been saved. I mean JESUS YETI WHAT THE HELL-"

Me no understand anything DB say after that, as Yeti's fist was in his mouth at that point. Yeti no like when DB quote Fox News.

That was a kick-ass episode of "In Search of"

Sasquatch come to visit cave today. Humans think Sasquatch and Bigfoot are same thing, that not true, me is a male and Sasquatch is female, with pretty curves and legs that never end. but Sasquatch foot not as big as Bigfoot's! Me have plaster casts to prove it.

Sasquatch come to make the sex with Bigfoot, so she can become pregnant with a little Bigfoot. She no really like Bigfoot, but say "If I'm going to have this baby, it's either you or Yeti, and let me be honest with you, Yeti wasn't exactly 'up' to the challenge the last time we tried, if you catch my drift." When me tell her I no catch her drift, she sigh and roll over, muttering something about trying it with Goatsucker if she wasn't convinced the kid would be "born with six hairy flippers, all on one side"

Me no care what Sasquatch think, Bigfoot happy to be making the sex with someone with which he is anatomically compatible (me running out of duct tape). Bigfoot also happy to have a little Bigfoot, even though Sasquatch say I can only see him 2 times a year, which seems unfair to Bigfoot, given the rather liberal custodial laws in Washington state. But that's ok, me will still make sure he grows up strong, until his foot get bigger than mine, at which point I will eat him alive and use his skin for rug in my cave. There can be only One.

In Which our Heros Light Out for the Northern Territories, Encounter a Most Tasty Pearl Jam and Sample the Local Fauna

Me and Yeti hike up to Vancouver this weekend, Bigfoot have Monday off for holiday (yes, me have job, start up a small direct-mail service so me could work from home and be own boss). We see many pretty things on the way, and also a few humans, but none of them spotted Bigfoot and Yeti, so we did not have to hurt anyone. OK, I lied. Yeti tore the tongue out of an young human's mouth for "talkin' shit."

On Friday, we sneak into the big hockey arena and watch the Pearl Jam concert. Me have good time, but Yeti not so much. He say "Hey, don't get me wrong, I love these guys as much as the next guy, but Jesus Christ, some new material would have been nice. Next time, how about actually releasing the fucking album before going on tour? Didn't any of those guys see 'Spinal Tap'? Ah well...at least they did Immortality, so it wasn't a total fucking loss. And I will never get tired of Yellow Ledbetter. Ever."

After concert, Yeti mugs a human coming out of the Amsterdam Cafe, takes his pot and say "Sorry asshole. Wrong place, wrong time."

Yeti no like Safeco Field

Yeti dress up as human and go to Mariner game last night, but he come back very angry. Bigfoot ask why, Yeti say "Well let's see...I paid $35 to watch a terrible team get shut out, 9 dollars for each beer, 4 bucks for a bottle of soda, and 5.50 for a hot dog that tasted like your hairy dick. And you're asking me why I'm angry?"

Me think that Yeti get what he deserves for rooting for the Mariners. Bigfoot a Yankee fan from way back.